So I’m on a Precor at the gym, trying to get in a cycle workout without getting doored, run down like a squirrel, or laying patches of flesh on the asphalt… and on one of the screens is Fox going on and on and on about ACORN.

It’s clear now that they’re gonna run with the “voter fraud” defense when their dude loses in November. Problem is: there is no such thing as voter fraud in this country. Unless you think six cases of fraud a year - out of 178 million registered voters - is a major threat to the future of the Republic.

The fearmongering about voter fraud, of course, allows the Republicans to disenfranchise millions a year. If you want to believe it’s motivated by a concern for the democratic process… it’d be like using a thermonuclear warhead to disinfect your bathroom. Former Bush U.S. Attorney David Iglesias - who was fired because he refused play along with the charade - says of voter fraud: “It’s like the boogeyman parents use to scare their children. It’s very frightening, and it doesn’t exist.” The fear is useful, however, if you want to prevent certain people - who have an annoying tendency to support the folks with the (D) after their names - from being able to vote.

Here’s the Clue-by-four Guide to Stealing Elections, just in time to stop Scary Barry Osama Obama from keeping Grandpa Crankypants and Sarah the Snowbilly out of the White House:

Clue 1: restrictive voting laws overwhelmingly affect the poor and minorities

Restrictive registration laws remain in place in many states, including early closing dates for registration, purging of registration rolls, and the limiting of voter registration to specific times and places - according to one study, only 71.7% of otherwise eligible African American voters in Indiana, compared to 83.2% of white voters, meet Indiana’s Voter ID requirements.

Clue 2: intimidating grassroots voter registration organizations works, too

ACORN is demonized as being like the return of the Black Panthers, but they’re not the only target. A recent Florida law fined every registration worker $5,000 for any lost application, which would have wiped out the entire budget of the state League of Women Voters if just 14 forms were lost. The group stopped registering voters for the first time in over 70 years.

Clue 3: when they ARE actually able to register, purge ‘em

Greg Palast showed (pages 6-44) how approximately 92,000 voters, most of them Black (54%) and Democratic (90%), were illegally and purposely disenfranchised for the Florida 2000 election, thereby enabling Bush to win Florida and the general election by 537 votes. Charlie Crist says that ex-felons will be allowed to vote this year. Yeah. Uh-huh. Right.

Clue 4: if all else fails, pull out the black bag of dirty tricks

After the 2004 Ohio election debacles, the House Judiciary Committee released a report entitled “Preserving Democracy: What Went Wrong in Ohio.” The report detailed a number of tricks pulled by the Republican government of the Buckeye State, including the withholding of voting machines for Democratic precincts in Franklin County, resulting in voting lines up to eleven hours long and a net loss of Kerry votes calculated at about 7,000. They pulled some other cute tricks, such as widespread distribution of false information regarding the date and place for voting, and telling people they could go to jail if they showed up to vote.

“Voter caging” is another, powerful tool used in Ohio and in other states. Basically this amounts to election officials sending “return to sender” mail to voters, and then challenging every voter whose mail gets returned… with the rationale that the returned mail is evidence of “voter fraud.” Even though the National Voter Registration Act prohibits the cancelling of a voter’s registration based merely on the return of a single piece of mail, the resulting caging lists are used to mount massive challenges of minority voter eligibility at the polls on Election Day. More than half a million “caged” votes were challenged in 2004.

So, if you think Obama has this one in the bag… wait until after the polls close. I expect them to litigate this one well past January 20, no matter how big they lose. And unlike Al Gore… these guys are coming loaded for bear.

Or, you know, moose.