There’s not a lot of nuanced perspectives about the role of anger in men’s lives. It seems like there’s hardly any attention given, between the “fuck you, I’m pissed off” attitude and the “anger is bad and we have to all be good little boys” philosophy, for finding skillful ways of dealing honestly with this powerful emotion. And I think that sucks, because anger seems to be like weather… everyone talks about it but no one actually does anything about it.
One of the fundamental problems in my mind is that the word “anger” is often used to describe a range of emotions, running the gamut from mild aggravation to murderous rage. What stands out as significant to me is the aspect of hostility that is often added to anger. While the feeling of anger can include hostility, it seems to me that it doesn’t have to – and that the hostility is what’s toxic.
Anger is always a sign that something’s off. Maybe something “out there” in the world needs to be addressed… or maybe something “in here,” in our internal lives, is unsettled. If we either ignore the “warning light” by blindly expressing our anger, then I think we go as far off the mark as we do when we repress and bury the emotion. The trick, I think, is in paying smart attention to the source of anger so we can deal with what’s really going on.
Now here’s what I think of as the key: the source of angry feelings is different than the object of those feelings. Nobody “makes you” angry. Shit happens and you react to it with anger. If you just let yourself feel the anger – without inhibitions, judgments, or interpretations – you’ve taken an important step towards understanding it and taking care of the real issue.
One way I try to get to the source of my anger is by paying attention to the way it feels – my breathing, my pounding heart, that gnawing sensation in the stomach – rather than getting all dramatic with my thoughts. Remember, the source of the anger is different than the whole story about why you’re angry. Stay with the feelings instead of the drama.
From my own experience trying to get to the source, pissed-off feelings always seem to have their roots either fear or hurt. If I can find the fear or the hurt underlying the anger, then I try to go back to the original trigger and check it out from the perspective of being afraid or hurt, rather than pissed. From that point of view, I can often find a different way of reacting that deals a lot more skillfully with what actually happened.
Anger is a very powerful emotion – if we can, as men, can learn to use it rather than be used by it, then we can show up more authentically in our lives rather than burning up our energy being pissed off at some dick who cut us off on the road. You decide for yourself what seems like a position of more genuine strength.
